Getting our butts in gear....

So I guess I should have come out of my state of denial, right?? I mean, we were a month vested into this situation, and even if it meant putting our hearts on the line - we needed to get moving.

We were familiar with how adoption worked, because of Lilli. However, we had never done an out-of-state adoption before - and believe me - it is a whole different can of worms!

Where do we finalize? Who do we call? How many lawyers will we need? What are the state laws? It is alot to take in.

After much research, many phone calls, much uncertainty, way more money than we had budgeted for, and many sleepless nights - we finally got the logistics straightened out. We hired an attorney in CA, where we would be finalizing. We hired a social worker for J, to advise her of all of her rights, etc, and we hired another attorney in PA to accept our ICPC documents. It was alot of work, in a short period of time.

Now we needed to make travel arrangements, and arrangements for Lilli.. This was the tough part, because we still hadn't told our family about J. And considering B and I were going to be 3,000 miles away for a few weeks............now was the time.

Obviously they were thrilled - in shock, but thrilled. My brother was kind enough to give us his Marriott points for a week, and my mom works for the airlines, so we were able to get a discount there too. My parents and the inlaws were going to take turns with Lilli, so things were coming together.

Our parents were under strict instructions that they were not to tell a soul about this - no one. We explained to them while it was hard for them when things didn't work out, it was hardest on us, as we had to re-live it everyday. We had been through so much by this point, that we didn't want to have to explain all of the gory details to everyone in sight - it was really best if we kept it to ourselves.

J's pregnancy continued to go well, and baby boy was doing great too. J had a due date that was right before Thanksgiving - and she asked us to be in the delivery room with her!!!! We were beyond excited about that, as we didn't have that opportunity when Lilli was born.

J and I also discussed names. We told her that while we did name Lilli, we kept the middle name that F had given her. We asked J to give baby boy his middle name too, and she was thrilled to do so.

Things were really going well, and yet, I was still in denial!

The call.........

I was driving out of the parking lot of school on Monday, and noticed I had a voicemail on my cell. When I checked it, it was T telling me that J had chosen us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She said that we were officially "matched" and that we should start making plans.

Exciting, right? Well, for someone who has not had their hearts broken a million times before - then very exciting. For true vets like B and I, we were still convinced that someone was just around the corner, waiting to steal it all away. There was no way that this was going to go smoothly, we were not this lucky. No one has successfully adopted 2 healthy infants in 17 months time. This was a dream, scam, catastrophe waiting to happen.......................the plans would just have to wait.

I continued to speak to J through weekly phone calls and emails. She told us the reason she chose B and I was because we were so close with our families. (All of our family lives nearby, and we have daily contact with them.) Talking with J was like talking to an old friend who I hadn't seen in awhile. She was the most positive, upbeat person that I had ever met. Although, Lilli's birthmom and I got along, the relationship with J was developing differently. It's not that J wasn't having a hard time with the decision, but she focused more on the positive - that she was giving someone the greatest gift of all.

The conversations continued to go well, but I still had my guard up. We still had not told anyone, because we didn't really believe it was happening.

A very long weekend..........

Needless to say, B was a bit in shock. I believe he said "what???" about 4 times. I told him to walk outside so that we could talk.

I told him that T had just called me to tell me about a birthmom in CA that wanted to speak with us. (We didn't even know that we were being profiled at the time, so the phone call was a huge shock to us). T told me that the birthmom was 39, had 4 other children, was not with the birthdad, and was due to deliver a baby boy in 2 months. She gave me birthmom's phone number and told me to call her if we were interested.

I asked B if he wanted me to call, if he thought that this was an ideal situation for us, and what he wanted me to do. His answer, "sure - give her a call." (He is the calm one of the 2 of us!)

So I put Lilli to bed, and made the phone call.................

J (birthmom) answered and I explained who I was. She was surprised that I had called so quickly, as she had just left T's office a few hours before. (great sign #1 - T and J had met, and T was able to get a good "read" on her.)

We spoke for about 45 minutes. It was a very easy conversation. J was very "real", told me about herself, her kids, her childhood, etc. There really weren't very many awkward pauses, and it seemed like we were quite comfortable with each other. At the end of the conversation, I asked J if she was speaking to any other families. She told me that she was, but that she was going to sit down with her kids and make a final decision. That was kind of a let down, because I thought we were the only ones, but I was glad she was honest with me. (good sign #2 - I love an honest person.)

B came home and I filled him in. We were excited, but cautiously optimistic. We knew that things could turn at any second, and that we weren't the only family that J was considering.

There was not much more we could do, other than wait. We did not tell a soul - not even our parents. There was no use getting their hopes up for something that was probably not going to happen........

Friday night surprise..............

So life went on, and we were loving it. We were the happiest we had ever been, and really didn't want to change anything about it.

B and I had many conversations about which direction we wanted to go in regards to our family. On one hand, we were so content with having Lilli and really thought that she would be an only child. Then on the other, we wanted her to have a sibling to grow up with. We were in a state of limbo, but actually didn't mind it.

We had a blast down the shore all summer. Lilli has her first birthday with all of her family around, we spent everyday at the beach, and we were just so happy being a family.

And then I got the "itch", as in the "baby itch". I sat down with B and asked him what he wanted to do (because I honestly was still confused!)

B said that he really wanted another, especially for Lilli.

We called T in August and asked to be put back on the list. I made up a new family profile that was a beach theme - and it was pretty damn good, if I do say so myself! B and I had a long talk with T about what we wanted this time around. We really felt that it was important to have a relationship with a birthmom that was longer than a few days. We wanted to get to know her, and wanted her to get to know us. We wanted to know about the birthdad too - it didn't neccessarily have to be a relationship, but we at least wanted to know his name, background, etc. T told us that since we were being so particular, that we should expect to have a longer wait period. We accepted that and told her that we had to do what was right for us. We were prepared to wait a few years, as long as it meant that we would be matched with a baby who was truly meant to be ours.

I sent the profile off to T and didn't think much of it. I was busy getting ready to go back to school, as my summer break was coming to an end...............

On Friay September 19, 2008 I was home with Lilli having pizza. My phone rang, and on the other line was T. We spoke for a few minutes, she asked me a few questions, I asked her a few, and then I hung up.

I called B (who was at happy hour with the boys) and asked him how he felt about having a son in 2 months.................................

From bad to good..........

It took along time to recover from our failed match. Even though we knew it happened for the best, it was still one of the hardest things B and I had ever gone through. But admittedly, it would have been much harder had we not had Lilli to come home to.

We tried to focus on the positive - Lilli.

We also called T and told her that we no longer wanted our names on the list. We weren't saying forever, but couldn't tell her how long we needed either. We had given T alot of money - money that could not be refunded, but our hearts needed time to heal, and we didn't even know if they would.

In the meantime, we still had Lilli's adoption to finalize. She was also born in PA, so we did have to deal with the 30 day revocation period - but that had long been over.

The Ice Queen was busy doing her end of the deal, and continued to be a PITA - which meant charging me whatever she felt on any given day, for any little thing.

By the time we were ready to go to court to make Lilli officially ours, she was almost 10 months old. Sitting in the judge's chambers, hearing him change her name (F had named her Savannah on her birth certificate), and having him say that she was legally ours- was the best feeling in the world. Not that she didn't already feel, act, and look like she was ours - it's was just nice to hear. And it was comforting to know that nothing was hanging over our heads.

However, the moment didn't last long, as I will share another offending moment with the Ice Queen:


There was a local case that was being heard in the courthouse the same day of our finalization. It was about a college girl who had given birth, but then hid the body of her newborn son in the trunk of her car - you know one of the many stories as of late.

Ice Queen actually had the balls to turn to me and say........."Doesn't it make you sick to hear stories like that knowing that you can't even have your own children."

Good thing court houses have metal detectors........

And baby doesn't make 4...........

So Lilli was 6 months old when we had this bright idea. You see, when she was born, we called T, our adoption facilitator, and asked her to take our names off the list for awhile. We wanted to focus all of our attention on Lilli, and didn't want to risk the chance of having 2 infants, that we weren't prepared for.

Well we enjoyed being parents so much, saw what joy Lilli brought to us and the entire family, and were just so happy............so we called T. It was right after Christmas in 2007.

We told T that we wanted to be put back on the list, and expected to wait even longer this time around. Our thinking was that a birthmom would want a family who did not have any other children, especially one that was as young as Lilli.

T called 3 days later to tell us that a birthmom (in PA) had chosen us.

Um, 'scuse me?

B immediately made a martini and retreated to the living room. I was trying not to throw up from excitement,surprise, shock, and fear.

T gave us her number and I called. Now, I know what to expect from this type of call, right? I mean I had just done this 7 months before - how hard could it be?

The conversation was stale, non-emotional, and was like talking to one of my students. The birthmom, K was 21, had no clue who the father was, unemployed, living with her mom, and 38 weeks along - as in due in 2 weeks. Yeah. I chalked all of this up to her being young and detached from the situation. (red flag #1) K had a doctors appointment in 3 days, so we decided that we would talk after that.

Outback for dinner anyone? That is exactly what was on my mind the night after speaking to K. I was listening to my IPOD in the curbside takeout line when B called my cell.

K was in labor.

As in right now, her water just broke, kind of labor.

Huh?

K was about a 3 hour drive from where we lived, I had a 6 month old to make arrangements for, nothing packed - not so much as a onezie, and my house looked like a tornado had just ripped through it. And Outback to eat. We also had no lawyer or social worker to contact, as that was on my to do list for Monday (K called and went into labor over a weekend).

MANIAC - that description would have best fit me at this point. But somehow, we pulled it together and were on our way. (The super grand-parents were all together figuring out the Lilli logistics.)

We arrived in a very small coal mining town in PA at around 10 pm. We had spoken with K and her mom on the way and they let us know where to go.

When we walked into the hospital, the staff had no idea who we were, why we were there, or that an adoption plan had been made. WTF? (red flag #2). Apparently K had forgotten to tell the doctors of her plan.

The nurses went back to speak with K, and then we were able to meet her for the first time.

I will never be able to explain it, but the second I set eyes on her, a feeling came over me that I never want to feel again.

K had just given birth.........and it was a boy.

We weren't allowed to see or hold baby boy because there was nothing in place, legally - even though K wanted us to be able to bond with him.

I called T to tell her about the situation, and she faxed our homestudy over to them, to prove that we weren't some crazy baby-nappers or something. They finally agreed to let us see him. He was adorable - what we could see of him through the nursery window anyway. It was such a different situation than what we experienced with Lilli, and I was so sad to not have the same bonding time that I did with her.

We went back into talk with K after seeing baby boy, and again the feeling was there. We talked a bit, she assured us that she was certain about her decision, that she didn't want to hold or see him, and that he was ours.

We left for our hotel exhausted, excited, and secretly confused.

The next morning (well actually a few hours later) we were back at the hospital. We were able to see baby boy, and even got to bond with him in our own room! K wanted us to name him on the birth certificate, so we did. Jake Paul was the perfect name.

We went into visit K, and to also give her a gift basket I had put together. Something just didn't seem right, and I couldn't figure out what it was.

B and I left the hospital to get some lunch. We were both unusually quiet, and at almost the same time we blurted out "does this seem right to you?" We had both been having the same feelings, but never said anything to each other about it. We decided it had to be exhaustion and that everything happened too quickly to be totally prepared for it.

We went back to the hospital to get Jake from the nursery to bring back to our room. But the nurses weren't their normal, helpful, selves..........they asked B and I to wait in the waiting room.

Turns out that K and her family were in the nursery taking pictures of Jake, holding, and feeding him. (red flag #3) K came out of the nursery when she saw us. She told us that she was still committed to her decision, but that she was having pressure from family to keep Jake. (red flag #4).

B and I were devastated. We took Jake back to our room and were very quiet. A nurse came in to check on us, and we started talking. Talked about the situation in general, how she thought Jake was doing (we had not seen a pediatrician at this point, and no one would give us medical info on K or Jake.) (red flag #5)

Nurse told us that she thought Jake seemed ok, but that if she was going to be honest with us, she felt that K was "slow." (red flag #6)

That is when it hit me. I knew what that nagging feeling that I had been having was all about. In the back of my mind, I knew it. I could tell from the second I first walked through her hospital room door.

We were crushed.

B and I left the hospital devastated. I was actually in hysterics, throwing up, and curled into the fetal position. B was silent, and had no idea what to do with me.

We woke up the next morning and called T. We told her about EVERYTHING that went down, and that we just couldn't commit ourselves to this. We felt deceived, led on, and betrayed. There was no way that we could go through with it.

Making an adoption plan, has to be the most difficult decision for a birthmother. There is so much thought, love, responsibility, and maturity that plays a part of it. Since K was "slow", how could we be sure that she was able to make this decision on her own? Was she being forced into it? Did she fully understand what she was doing? Would we be taking advantage of her if we went through with it?

T was understandably upset and confused. After all - this was her business, and we had just cost her money. But T never met K - we did, and we had to make the right decision for our family. We knew what a successful and loving adoption felt like, and this wasn't it.

In the state of PA, a birthmother has 30 days to change her mind about her adoption plan. This means that we could have taken Jake home with us, and 3 weeks later, K could have came back and got him. I refused to put my family through that. I refused to put Jake through that.

B and I left that small coal mining town and went home to lick our wounds. Adoption, at that point, would never be an option for us again. Ever.

I kept in contact with T because I wanted to see what happened with K and Jake.

Turns out that K had chosen another family from T. They drove 6 hours to the hospital, spent 2 nights with their new little boy, only to have K decide to keep him.

Guess our feeling was dead on.

K left the hospital with not so much as a diaper for him.

I think about that little boy all of the time.

I do not fault K for any of this. I don't think she set out to hurt anyone when making these decisions. I just don't think she had the capability to fully understand what she was doing. I wish with all of my heart that she is ok in this world..............

A beautiful life...........

B and I were the proudest parents on the block, and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over everything our little chicken did. (I'm pretty sure we are responsible for her diva status).

We were finally part of the "in-crowd", we actually had a baby of our own and were not outsiders anymore. I could bring myself to go to parties, christenings, showers, etc again - because for a long time I avoided all of them like the plague.

Lilli spent her summer down the shore with her grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends - and I soaked up every second. But it was all about to come to an end................I had to go back to school.

Now, I always said that I wanted to be a SAHM (stay at home mom), but I evidently married the wrong man. I love B to death, but he is not a Rockefeller. Not working was not an option.

Lilli was 3 months old when I went back to work. Pretty great maternity leave, right? Best part about it - I was paid the entire time because she was born the day summer vacation began!!! (was that a sign or what?)

Leaving her with a sitter was hard - really hard. But I eventually got over it.

B and I focused all of our time on Lilli. We took her for walks, to the pumpkin patch, the park, and showed her off to anyone with eyes.

Life was fantastic, so fantastic that we decided it would be a good idea to have another one. Another baby, that is.....................

In the mother-hood...........

I loved being a mom more than I had ever expected. Lilli and I bonded immediately, and she was such a good baby.

But I have to be honest, this mommy stuff was freaking HARD! I mean - much harder than I had anticipated. I loved that little chicken so much that I could taste it, but she was definitely a diva in training..............

Our family and friends welcomed her with open arms, I swear when she came home it was like the second coming of Christ.

(yes - we finally let everyone in on our little secret the day we left the hospital. B and I sent a text to all of our friends announcing her arrival and they were SHOCKED. Our moms were cleared to start the phone chain, as we had to practically cut their phone lines and cell service to keep them from spilling the beans. My mom even called our hairdresser to tell her the news - um, excited much?)

Lilli was like a local celebrity, and I cannot even tell you how many people stopped by to meet her that summer.

Our moms threw us a MAJOR baby shower when Lilli was 8 weeks old. Friends were kind enough to lend us everyting until then.

I was actually a mom.......wow......

The final goodbye.....

We saw F 2 more times after Lilli was born. Once when she was to terminate her parental rights (72 hrs after birth in the state of PA) and then about 2 weeks later when we took them all out to dinner.

We wanted them to be a part of our lives, if that is what they wanted too. F and I had spoken about what kind/how much contact she wanted after the birth, and she wasn't very sure how she wanted to go about it.

I just kind of went with the flow and followed her lead. However, it became clear that it was just too difficult for F to keep in touch. I think she wanted to move on with her life and to try to get back to normal. There was much more going on with her, (and I would never reveal it here), so I understood.

The last time I spoke with F was in August of 2007.

B and I still send letters and pictures on Christmas and Lilli's birthday, but we never hear anything in return. F also knows that if the updates are too much for her to handle, she can say so and we will stop sending them.

I just want Lilli to always know where she came from and how much her birthfamily loved her. They will always hold a special place in our hearts, and there is not a day that goes by when I do not think of them. I hope that, in time, we can all reconnect again.

Saying goodbye.........

We spent the next 3 days in the hospital bonding with Lilli (or the chunky chicken nugget, chickie, and any other variation of chicken you could come up with). She was seriously, just perfect.

F was in her own room, and we tried to visit as much as we could - there were many times when she understandably wanted to be alone. F was having a very difficult time, and I had no idea how to help her.

I mean, here is a woman who had just given me the greatest, most selfless gift of all, and I couldn't even do one thing to make her feel better. You can't imagine what a helpless feeling this is.

On June 20th, we were finally released from the hospital. I remember being in F's room so that the pediatrician could clear Lilli to leave and the social worker could talk things over with F.

It turned out that F didn't even have anyone to take her home from the hospital. B and I offered to take her home and get her and the kids settled.

They wheeled Lilli back to the nursery, and B followed to collect all of our things. I was alone in the room with F for the first time.

We sat hugging each other and cried for a good 15 minutes. I told her how much I loved her and what a wonderful gift she had given to us. I promised to love Lilli and to make sure that she always knew how much F loved her too.

It was one of the most defining moments of my life.

We got ourselves together and walked out of the room towards the nursery. Most people would think it was odd that all 4 of us were leaving together - but it didn't feel this way to me.

We drove to F's house, where S, J, and M were waiting for her. We brought Lilli up to meet them and took lots of pictures. Then B and I went out to get pizza for everyone and we left Lilli with them to say good-bye............

My family thought that I had lost it. How could I leave her? What if F changed her mind after being with her? What if it was too hard for the kids?

But Lilli was a part of them - she was loved by them, just as much as she was loved by us.

After lunch, it was time for us to say goodbye. After a few more pictures, we were finally on our way home, but now as a family of 3..........................

Better than summer vacation.......

Have I mentioned how much I love summer? Seriously, it is the main reason I chose to become a teacher (hopefully the parents of some of my students aren't reading this.)

I was free as a bird as of June, 15 2007. I had every intention of soaking up the sun down the shore and getting in as much relaxation as I could. (aka - I still didn't think the situation with baby girl was real. Denial much?)

But then it happened. My life changed over a simple weekend...........

On June 18, 2007 our miracle, Lilliana Nicole was born. She was perfect, beautiful, and the most amazing sight I had ever laid my eyes on. I was totally in love.



F went to the hospital that morning, and called me as she was leaving. B and I drove in silence all the way to the hospital. F did not want us in the delivery room, which I completely understood. I'm not too sure I would want to be showing my girlie parts off either.

We waited in the waiting room with F's daughter, S. We had a great time with her that day and really got to know her. S must have called her younger brothers, M and J a hundred times that day to give them updates on F. Again, the love they all had for eachother amazed me.

At exactly 3:00 pm, our baby girl was born. She was 7 lbs, 10 oz and 20.5 in long. I was able to go back to the nursery (and I also needed to be in the room with F when she signed some papers in order for me to have a bracelet that would let me care for Lilli) for a quick peek.

It wasn't until about 6:15 pm that B and I were really able to see our daughter for the first time. She was the prettiest baby in the nursery - and definitely the loudest! (I remember B saying that he hoped that it wasn't an indication of how she would be at 2 am!)

The nurses were so kind to us. There were alot of babies born that day, so there was really nowhere for B and I to bond with her. They let us have space in the nursery and we were able to feed her her first bottle. She was amazing. She couldn't have felt more like mine if I had given birth myself.

Seeing B with Lilli was overwhelming. The first time he held her, she opened her eyes and smiled. He was hooked and so was I.

Did I mention that Lilli just happened to be born the day after Father's Day??? How's that for a gift!

Trying times....

F and I spoke a few times a week during this time. Whenever she had a doctors appointment, she would call to update me.

I filled her in on what was going on with us, and made sure that the Ice Queen was staying on top of things.

It felt very much like a friendship, but I have to say, a very depressing one. I don't mean that in a negative way at all. I had grown to REALLY love F, and I genuinely cared about her. However, she had no one - at all. No friends, family, co-workers, nada.

All of the emotions that she was going through, (which were many) she shared with me. I was glad, because I wanted to help her through any way that I could, but it also made me feel guilty. This was starting to become a happy time in my life, yet it was the worst time of hers. It was a very hard balancing act to follow. How could I be happy, when she was so sad? We discussed her decision at length, because I in no way wanted her to feel pressured. F assured me that although it was difficult, she knew she was doing the right thing.

I respect the hell out of that woman, and her strength still amazes me to this day......

Countdown...

So the countdown was on! We had 4 weeks until F was due, and each day felt like an eternity.

But we had alot to do. This was going to be a private, domestic adoption, with no agency involved. We had to find a local attorney to handle the hospital birthplan, termination of parental rights, and eventually, the adoption finalization.

We needed to get the basic necessities (my jaded, bitter self refused to believe that this was really real, so there was no way that I was going to buy loads of baby stuff to have sitting around my house.) We ended up getting a car seat, and 1 outfit - 2 things we needed if baby girl was actually going to be ours.

We found an attorney, who I will call the Ice Queen (this is actually me being nice, just in case there are those who are easily offended). Ice Queen's first offending remark:

"Are you sure you want to do this, you are so young and there are so many advances in medical technology now? "

Gee - really? I'm so glad you told me about this, maybe I should reconsider. I will definitely make an appointment to see my doctor, and maybe - just maybe - with another 20k, we will be successful.

Offending comment #2 "Well, you are so pretty, so I am sure you will find a baby quickly. That is really what birthmothers look for. "

Because if I looked like a sea hag, I would suck as a mom? Um, thanks. It never ceases to amaze me how stupid people really are.

Ice Queen was hired because we were under the gun, didn't have many options, and needed to get a plan in action. Needless to say, she would prove to be a real PITA.

So I introduced F to the Ice Queen so that they could get information together for the hospital social worker. F needed to be advised of all of her rights, and I wanted to make sure that everyone was on the same page.


The queen also had also set up a meeting for us that we never expected to have.

BZ, the birthdad, wanted to meet us.

Up to this point, he knew about the adoption plan, was supportive of it, but F said that he didn't want to be involved - so we were surprised that he wanted to meet.

The queen set up a meeting with us and BZ, at another mall closer to our home. B and I spotted him right away, and we introduced ourselves. We sat and talked and he told us about himself. He was 37, had a 15 year old daughter, and drove a truck for a living. BZ told us that he wanted things to work out between him and F, but that it wasn't an option. He knew that he couldn't provide for the baby, but he just wanted to meet us to make sure he was doing the right thing. I thought it was very admirable of him. Though we only briefly spoke, BZ seemed like a really good guy who genuinely had the best interest of baby girl in mind. I was really glad we got to meet him.

We still hadn't told anyone about F, and weren't planning on it. We borrowed a crib and changing table that 3 of my nieces had used, and waited some more.

Thankfully summer vacation was just around the corner!

The real meeting........

So B and I went to meet F at the mall on a Monday afternoon. We were understandably MORE nervous, considering all that just went down. However, I felt a huge sigh of relief when we pulled into the parking lot and I spotted her truck. (there was a very interesting decal on the back windshield, so I will just leave it up to your imagination.......)

When we walked in, F was sitting at the first table, next to the door. My first thoughts? She was beautiful, stunning actually. She was taller than me, had gorgeous, wavy, auburn hair, crystal blue eyes, and lips that would give Angelina a run for her money. She had an enormous belly, but was so "tiny" for a pregnant woman. I hugged her as soon as I saw her - it just felt natural.

F had also brought her 3 children with her....S was 17, J was 11, and M was 8. They were all adorable. F sent them to another table to do their homework so that we could talk. B and I had a "profile" with us, because since we did not find her through our facilitator, we wanted her to have something of us to keep.

Want to know what she brought to the meeting that day?????

An ultrasound picture..................The baby was a girl!

To say we were ecstatic would be an understatement. I mean, obviously we would have been happy either way, I'm pretty sure we would have been happy with a monkey at that point.

The meeting went really well. We talked ALOT. Some things I will not repeat, as I respect F more than anything. But the one thing that I took away from that meeting that has stuck with me.........I couldn't get over how much love her children showed her. I'm a teacher, I see kids every.single.day. The love that was pouring out of all of them was something that you don't see everyday. It made me realize what a wonderful mother she was, not only to S, J, and M, but also to this little girl who was soon to be ours...........

It gets even crazier.........

Ok - so if you are with me so far, I will continue with the story.................

So I had agreed to meet F at the mall for lunch so that we could get to know each other a bit, to see if we really connected, so on and so forth. At this point, NO ONE knows anything about our situation, except for our immediate family. You see, once upon a time, when B and I believed that "everyone gets pregnant with at least twins when they do IVF", we were stupid enough to announce that we were pregnant. Big no-no, and something that I seriously urge others not to do. As if the miscarriage wasn't bad enough, you then have to re-live it every time you tell a person that you are no longer expecting. It.was.pure.HELL. So while all of our extended family and friends knew we were signed on to adopt, they had no idea that F even existed.

I took the day off work so that I could have a clear mind and be relaxed when I first met F, after all, this was about to be the most important meeting of my life. What if she didn't like me, what if she changed her mind? What if she was a mass-murderer and I was about to go meet her alone with no one to help me?? (seriously - we live in a crazy world and these are things to consider).

Well not to fear, my "big brother" (and I use the term loosely) was also sitting in the food court that day, just so that he could keep an eye on me. He sat and read the paper while I sat and tried not to throw up. We texted back and forth as I was waiting for F to show up.

I had stopped to get her a bouquet of flowers on my way to the mall. I figured I couldn't miss a woman who was 8 months pregnant, sitting alone, and she couldn't miss the girl who sat looking as if she were to pass out at any second, who was also alone. So I waited. I walked around the food court looking for F, and I waited some more. I texted my brother,walked around some more, then waited. More texting, more waiting. F was now 1.5 hours late. I called her several times, only to get the machine.

She wasn't coming.

I got up from the table, left the flowers where they were, and walked out of the food court. My brother looked as if he had just been stabbed in the heart. He had no idea what to do or say to me - who would? He threw his arms around me and told me how sorry he was. Me - I expected it. Remember - I had long before become jaded and bitter. This was just another way for the fertility gods to torture me.

I climbed into my SUV (you know the one I had gotten a few years earlier because it would be roomy enough to fit a few kiddies - hahahahaha) and cried. Not the screaming my lungs out, sobbing until your shirt is soaked, cried - just big old tears that ran silently down my face. Why me? Why again? I can't even tell you how many times I had asked myself those questions.

I decided to call F one last time. Strangely enough, I just needed to know that SHE was ok. Did she have an accident on her way to meet me? Was she alone at home and in labor? Did something awful happen? I called and again got the machine. I left F a message just telling her that it was ok if she changed her mind, but to please call me to let me know that she was ok. The big, fat tears continued to roll as I pulled into Wendy's to drown my sorrows and clog my arteries.

She called back.

Turns out that F was sitting in the food court the entire time, yet we didn't see each other. The whole time she thought that B and I had changed our minds, as she sat and waited for me to show up. She had my cell number, but left it at home. I only had her home number, and that is why I couldn't reach her.

Do you feel like this is a Lifetime movie??

After another long talk, we agreed to meet again. This time, I told her that B was coming with me, we made sure we had each other's cell numbers, gave detailed descriptions of what we looked like, and she even told me what kind of car she drove.

I had to wait a full 5 days for our next meeting.............

Shocked....

I didn't mention it before, but I am a second grade teacher. Love my job - especially love my summer break! I really like the people I teach with, and we have all taught together for quite some time. If you have ever wondered about what happens in the teachers' lounge, I'm going to tell you - you really don't want to know. Some of the conversations are enough to make a grown man blush, but they are usually the highlight of my day.

So that is where I was when I got "the call". I was just about to go back into my classroom when my cell rang, and it was F (Ann's patient). Needless to say I was shocked, stunned, scared, sweaty, and every other "s" adjective you can think of. I had no idea what to do, say, think - because I never in a million years thought that I would be getting a call (or if I did, T - our facilitator- would be preparing me for it).

I was a bumbling idiot to say the least. I ducked into the first grade classroom (because it is the only room the gets cell reception) and basically kicked the teacher and her students out (thankfully she is a good friend of mine and knew it had to be something big).

I told F that I was glad she called, that I was sorry to sound like a flake, but that I was really nervous to speak with her. She admitted that she was nervous too, which made me feel a little better. F told me about herself - she was 39, single, was raising 3 kids on her own, and that she was in a relationship with the birthdad for 6 months, but then they had split up. She told me that while she wished she did not have to place the baby for adoption, she knew it was the right thing to do, because she could not provide enough for herself and the kids, let alone a baby. (F was also familiar with adoption, as she had placed a baby boy 16 years earlier).

I told her about myself and B and what our life was like. We talked about my infertility and how Ann had told her how much we wanted a baby. We spoke for a good 45 minutes and agreed to meet the following week at the mall for lunch. F asked me to come alone, as she was not ready to meet B just yet, as she is a pretty private person. I agreed and hung up the phone shaking like a leaf.

That phone call came on the due date of the baby we lost in our first miscarriage.

When I called B, he didn't believe me. Over the weekend we couldn't even talk about it, because we were afraid that we would jinx something. That was Mother's Day weekend of 2007.

Do you have the chills yet?

So this is where it gets really crazy.....

Life - I was getting back into the swing of things. We had our summer planned out, I was getting back into shape after gaining a bazillion pounds from IVF cycling, I was actually laughing again... you get my drift.

So I recovered from the hives incident at BRU, and even survived when the very cheerful, spunky, overly-helpful sales girl asked when I was due, considering I was looking at the baby registry papers. HUH? didn't I just say that I was getting back INTO shape?? Thankfully mom was with me to explain while I wasn't expecting a baby in the average way, I was expecting just the same - we just didn't know when.

This happened on a random Tuesday in May of 2007.

The next day I was pulling out of the tanning salon parking lot (remember - I was on a mission to look hot again, and was not thinking of the skin cancer that I was probably infecting myself with at the time) and my cell phone rings. It was my MIL (mother-in-law) - now stop rolling your eyes - I actually like my MIL, seriously, I do. Usually she is calling to ask if we want to come for dinner, as B is the biggest mama's boy on the planet and we live a block away from his parents. But dinner was not on her mind.

Now you are really going to have to pay attention to this part - there will be a quiz later............

MIL has a good friend, *Rose. Rose's daughter, *Ann, is a nurse in an OBGYN's office. Ann called Rose for MIL's phone number. She had a patient who was 35 weeks pregnant and who wanted to place her baby for adoption. Ann knew we were in the process, and wanted to see if we were interested. WERE WE INTERESTED???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????

MIL called to see if it was ok to give Ann our number to give to her patient. My response - "sure, but don't get excited, these things never work out." Seriously - we have all heard about the disgusting and disturbing stories of people who are scammed out of money, and have their hearts broken when pursuing adoption. I was far too jaded at this point to think that life was all about sunshine and puppy dogs.

I didn't give the call a second thought.

**names changed

Ready, Set, Wait.......................

Waiting, waiting, and more waiting. That was all there was to do. B and I had all of our ducks in a row, were approved by the social worker, shelled out every penny to anyone who had their hand out, so we waited.

But life was finally looking up, for the first time in a long time. Any couple who goes through infertility can attest to how stressful it is, and what a toll it takes on your marriage. I was hopped up on so many hormones, I could barely stand myself, so I can't even imagine how B felt. But then again, our struggle also brought us closer. When we lost the first baby, B is the only one I would speak to for close to 3 weeks. I didn't take calls from my mom, best friend - hell, the only time I got out of bed was when I had to drag myself to work. It was a very dark time in my life, and I had definitely lost myself in it all.

We decided to really focus on our adoption journey and stay as positive as possible. We knew that we would probably be waiting for at least 2 years, so we were looking forward to our summer down the shore, spending more time with friends, and just enjoying time together. We even had the guest room painted for our "soon to be baby"and I made my first trip into Babies R Us in close to 3 years to see what kind of things baby would need ! (I think I may have broken out in hives when I walked through the door though.) Life finally seemed like living again..........

How it all works...

The week after our first miscarriage, I started to research adoption. I knew in the back of my mind that IVF was not the answer for us, and I am also a pessimist at heart. I had no clue where to start, who to talk to, which questions to ask, etc. I was 28 and clueless, and the internet became my best friend. I found out that we had a couple of choices when it came to using adoption professionals. I found someone who I really clicked with, and who really helped me through the next several months (we were still pursuing treatment at the time).

When B came home with the glorious news that he was on board the adoption train, I already knew who I was going to call - T. T is a facilitator who has been handling adoptions for over 15 years. She rocks. She held my hand, walked me through every step, explained everything to B (as I am not exactly the most patient person when it comes to him ;) and really made us feel comfortable. As soon as we started the process, it was like a huge weight was lifted - sounds corny, but we actually felt like we had our lives back.

For those of you who are not familiar with how adoption works, it's kinda like this......

1. Be prepared to rob a bank, beg your family members to cash in their retirement plans, or remortgage your house out the wazoo. You have probably spent whatever savings you had on fertility treatments, so there's not going to be a dime left in the bank.
2. You will then have to hand over that huge chunk of cash to the adoption professional you have chosen, praying with all of your heart that they are not a scam and are really going to find you the baby that you so desperately want. To say adoption is a huge leap of faith is an understatement.
3. Paperwork - and lots of it.
4. You will need to have a licensed social worker come into your house to perform a "homestudy" and to ask you every personal question under the sun - including what color underwear you are currently wearing, which you will then need to find the receipt for. This will cost you another chunk of change, so be prepared to sell an organ to come up with it.
5. More paperwork, and while you are at it, just attach a couple hundred dollar bills to each page.
6. Preparing your family "profile". This is a book that you put together which is about you, your family, interests, home, etc. It will then be shown to potential birthmothers who want to place their babies for adoption. The profile is alot of work, but alot of fun too. Oh yea, fun - but pricey.
7. Wait for the phone to ring. Which is actually the hardest part. Can you imagine being on pins and needles every second of the day waiting for the 1 phone call that will change your life forever? I need a xanax just thinking about it.

So I guess I will start from the beginning....

I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I met my husband, B, when I was 22, and knew very early on that I wanted to marry him and have children! We met down the shore on a random Friday night in 2000 (I won't even get into the story of how we were set up) and really haven't been apart since.

We were married in 2004 and started trying for a baby right away - well, at least I did. B said he wanted to wait a year, but I digress. A year came and went - and nothing. I saw my doctor for another year (who actually turned out to be a moron - but that is another long story that I won't get into) and still nothing. I took matters into my own hands and went to see a specialist (a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or RE for short). B and I went through numerous procedures, surgeries, LOTS of drugs (all legal of course!) and finally moved onto IVF **(invitro-fertilization, for those of you who have been in a closet and haven't heard the term a million times because of the crazy octo-mom). Another year, much heartache, a cool 20k, and 2 miscarriages later, we still had nothing. nada. zero. zilch.

Needless to say, I was devasted, beyond depressed, and not very pleasant to be around. I brought up the idea of adoption to B, and he said he wanted time to think. We had just been through 3 years of hell, so I guess I couldn't blame the guy for wanting a break from anything baby related.

For the next month, I did not mention the "a" or "b" word at all (for anyone who knows me, you are probably wondering how the hell I managed that one, right?). It was tough, reaaaaaally tough.

I was standing in the kitchen one day when B came home from work. He comes in and says, "I think I want to adopt."

UM, 'SCUSE ME???????? That is all I needed to hear, so the journey began................

**edited to add

Welcome to Two Ladybug Blessings!

Many of you are probably wondering where this name came from, right? It's not too often that one would consider a simple ladybug to be such a blessing in a person's life. Well, I have the greatest blessings of all, my children Lilli and Alec, who happen to be my ladybug blessings.

The ladybug is often considered to be the symbol for adoption. There is an Ancient Chinese Belief that says....

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch, or tangle, but will never break."

As an adoptive parent, I believe that there was a thread that led me to my children. The journey was not an easy one. There were many bumps, obstacles, and stops along the way, but no matter how uncertain the road, my destination was clear.

These little ladybugs are my inspiration, and have led me to the place I am now, and a new journey called Two Ladybug Blessings!

Here you will find the story of how I came to be a mother (a little late, as I am a slacker!), will be able to view my photography portfolio - which I am trying to build, get a peek of the new cards I am working on, and hear about my (sometimes) crazy family, friends, and students!

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoy!