A beautiful life...........

B and I were the proudest parents on the block, and ooh-ed and ahh-ed over everything our little chicken did. (I'm pretty sure we are responsible for her diva status).

We were finally part of the "in-crowd", we actually had a baby of our own and were not outsiders anymore. I could bring myself to go to parties, christenings, showers, etc again - because for a long time I avoided all of them like the plague.

Lilli spent her summer down the shore with her grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends - and I soaked up every second. But it was all about to come to an end................I had to go back to school.

Now, I always said that I wanted to be a SAHM (stay at home mom), but I evidently married the wrong man. I love B to death, but he is not a Rockefeller. Not working was not an option.

Lilli was 3 months old when I went back to work. Pretty great maternity leave, right? Best part about it - I was paid the entire time because she was born the day summer vacation began!!! (was that a sign or what?)

Leaving her with a sitter was hard - really hard. But I eventually got over it.

B and I focused all of our time on Lilli. We took her for walks, to the pumpkin patch, the park, and showed her off to anyone with eyes.

Life was fantastic, so fantastic that we decided it would be a good idea to have another one. Another baby, that is.....................

In the mother-hood...........

I loved being a mom more than I had ever expected. Lilli and I bonded immediately, and she was such a good baby.

But I have to be honest, this mommy stuff was freaking HARD! I mean - much harder than I had anticipated. I loved that little chicken so much that I could taste it, but she was definitely a diva in training..............

Our family and friends welcomed her with open arms, I swear when she came home it was like the second coming of Christ.

(yes - we finally let everyone in on our little secret the day we left the hospital. B and I sent a text to all of our friends announcing her arrival and they were SHOCKED. Our moms were cleared to start the phone chain, as we had to practically cut their phone lines and cell service to keep them from spilling the beans. My mom even called our hairdresser to tell her the news - um, excited much?)

Lilli was like a local celebrity, and I cannot even tell you how many people stopped by to meet her that summer.

Our moms threw us a MAJOR baby shower when Lilli was 8 weeks old. Friends were kind enough to lend us everyting until then.

I was actually a mom.......wow......

The final goodbye.....

We saw F 2 more times after Lilli was born. Once when she was to terminate her parental rights (72 hrs after birth in the state of PA) and then about 2 weeks later when we took them all out to dinner.

We wanted them to be a part of our lives, if that is what they wanted too. F and I had spoken about what kind/how much contact she wanted after the birth, and she wasn't very sure how she wanted to go about it.

I just kind of went with the flow and followed her lead. However, it became clear that it was just too difficult for F to keep in touch. I think she wanted to move on with her life and to try to get back to normal. There was much more going on with her, (and I would never reveal it here), so I understood.

The last time I spoke with F was in August of 2007.

B and I still send letters and pictures on Christmas and Lilli's birthday, but we never hear anything in return. F also knows that if the updates are too much for her to handle, she can say so and we will stop sending them.

I just want Lilli to always know where she came from and how much her birthfamily loved her. They will always hold a special place in our hearts, and there is not a day that goes by when I do not think of them. I hope that, in time, we can all reconnect again.

Saying goodbye.........

We spent the next 3 days in the hospital bonding with Lilli (or the chunky chicken nugget, chickie, and any other variation of chicken you could come up with). She was seriously, just perfect.

F was in her own room, and we tried to visit as much as we could - there were many times when she understandably wanted to be alone. F was having a very difficult time, and I had no idea how to help her.

I mean, here is a woman who had just given me the greatest, most selfless gift of all, and I couldn't even do one thing to make her feel better. You can't imagine what a helpless feeling this is.

On June 20th, we were finally released from the hospital. I remember being in F's room so that the pediatrician could clear Lilli to leave and the social worker could talk things over with F.

It turned out that F didn't even have anyone to take her home from the hospital. B and I offered to take her home and get her and the kids settled.

They wheeled Lilli back to the nursery, and B followed to collect all of our things. I was alone in the room with F for the first time.

We sat hugging each other and cried for a good 15 minutes. I told her how much I loved her and what a wonderful gift she had given to us. I promised to love Lilli and to make sure that she always knew how much F loved her too.

It was one of the most defining moments of my life.

We got ourselves together and walked out of the room towards the nursery. Most people would think it was odd that all 4 of us were leaving together - but it didn't feel this way to me.

We drove to F's house, where S, J, and M were waiting for her. We brought Lilli up to meet them and took lots of pictures. Then B and I went out to get pizza for everyone and we left Lilli with them to say good-bye............

My family thought that I had lost it. How could I leave her? What if F changed her mind after being with her? What if it was too hard for the kids?

But Lilli was a part of them - she was loved by them, just as much as she was loved by us.

After lunch, it was time for us to say goodbye. After a few more pictures, we were finally on our way home, but now as a family of 3..........................

Better than summer vacation.......

Have I mentioned how much I love summer? Seriously, it is the main reason I chose to become a teacher (hopefully the parents of some of my students aren't reading this.)

I was free as a bird as of June, 15 2007. I had every intention of soaking up the sun down the shore and getting in as much relaxation as I could. (aka - I still didn't think the situation with baby girl was real. Denial much?)

But then it happened. My life changed over a simple weekend...........

On June 18, 2007 our miracle, Lilliana Nicole was born. She was perfect, beautiful, and the most amazing sight I had ever laid my eyes on. I was totally in love.



F went to the hospital that morning, and called me as she was leaving. B and I drove in silence all the way to the hospital. F did not want us in the delivery room, which I completely understood. I'm not too sure I would want to be showing my girlie parts off either.

We waited in the waiting room with F's daughter, S. We had a great time with her that day and really got to know her. S must have called her younger brothers, M and J a hundred times that day to give them updates on F. Again, the love they all had for eachother amazed me.

At exactly 3:00 pm, our baby girl was born. She was 7 lbs, 10 oz and 20.5 in long. I was able to go back to the nursery (and I also needed to be in the room with F when she signed some papers in order for me to have a bracelet that would let me care for Lilli) for a quick peek.

It wasn't until about 6:15 pm that B and I were really able to see our daughter for the first time. She was the prettiest baby in the nursery - and definitely the loudest! (I remember B saying that he hoped that it wasn't an indication of how she would be at 2 am!)

The nurses were so kind to us. There were alot of babies born that day, so there was really nowhere for B and I to bond with her. They let us have space in the nursery and we were able to feed her her first bottle. She was amazing. She couldn't have felt more like mine if I had given birth myself.

Seeing B with Lilli was overwhelming. The first time he held her, she opened her eyes and smiled. He was hooked and so was I.

Did I mention that Lilli just happened to be born the day after Father's Day??? How's that for a gift!