And baby doesn't make 4...........

So Lilli was 6 months old when we had this bright idea. You see, when she was born, we called T, our adoption facilitator, and asked her to take our names off the list for awhile. We wanted to focus all of our attention on Lilli, and didn't want to risk the chance of having 2 infants, that we weren't prepared for.

Well we enjoyed being parents so much, saw what joy Lilli brought to us and the entire family, and were just so happy............so we called T. It was right after Christmas in 2007.

We told T that we wanted to be put back on the list, and expected to wait even longer this time around. Our thinking was that a birthmom would want a family who did not have any other children, especially one that was as young as Lilli.

T called 3 days later to tell us that a birthmom (in PA) had chosen us.

Um, 'scuse me?

B immediately made a martini and retreated to the living room. I was trying not to throw up from excitement,surprise, shock, and fear.

T gave us her number and I called. Now, I know what to expect from this type of call, right? I mean I had just done this 7 months before - how hard could it be?

The conversation was stale, non-emotional, and was like talking to one of my students. The birthmom, K was 21, had no clue who the father was, unemployed, living with her mom, and 38 weeks along - as in due in 2 weeks. Yeah. I chalked all of this up to her being young and detached from the situation. (red flag #1) K had a doctors appointment in 3 days, so we decided that we would talk after that.

Outback for dinner anyone? That is exactly what was on my mind the night after speaking to K. I was listening to my IPOD in the curbside takeout line when B called my cell.

K was in labor.

As in right now, her water just broke, kind of labor.

Huh?

K was about a 3 hour drive from where we lived, I had a 6 month old to make arrangements for, nothing packed - not so much as a onezie, and my house looked like a tornado had just ripped through it. And Outback to eat. We also had no lawyer or social worker to contact, as that was on my to do list for Monday (K called and went into labor over a weekend).

MANIAC - that description would have best fit me at this point. But somehow, we pulled it together and were on our way. (The super grand-parents were all together figuring out the Lilli logistics.)

We arrived in a very small coal mining town in PA at around 10 pm. We had spoken with K and her mom on the way and they let us know where to go.

When we walked into the hospital, the staff had no idea who we were, why we were there, or that an adoption plan had been made. WTF? (red flag #2). Apparently K had forgotten to tell the doctors of her plan.

The nurses went back to speak with K, and then we were able to meet her for the first time.

I will never be able to explain it, but the second I set eyes on her, a feeling came over me that I never want to feel again.

K had just given birth.........and it was a boy.

We weren't allowed to see or hold baby boy because there was nothing in place, legally - even though K wanted us to be able to bond with him.

I called T to tell her about the situation, and she faxed our homestudy over to them, to prove that we weren't some crazy baby-nappers or something. They finally agreed to let us see him. He was adorable - what we could see of him through the nursery window anyway. It was such a different situation than what we experienced with Lilli, and I was so sad to not have the same bonding time that I did with her.

We went back into talk with K after seeing baby boy, and again the feeling was there. We talked a bit, she assured us that she was certain about her decision, that she didn't want to hold or see him, and that he was ours.

We left for our hotel exhausted, excited, and secretly confused.

The next morning (well actually a few hours later) we were back at the hospital. We were able to see baby boy, and even got to bond with him in our own room! K wanted us to name him on the birth certificate, so we did. Jake Paul was the perfect name.

We went into visit K, and to also give her a gift basket I had put together. Something just didn't seem right, and I couldn't figure out what it was.

B and I left the hospital to get some lunch. We were both unusually quiet, and at almost the same time we blurted out "does this seem right to you?" We had both been having the same feelings, but never said anything to each other about it. We decided it had to be exhaustion and that everything happened too quickly to be totally prepared for it.

We went back to the hospital to get Jake from the nursery to bring back to our room. But the nurses weren't their normal, helpful, selves..........they asked B and I to wait in the waiting room.

Turns out that K and her family were in the nursery taking pictures of Jake, holding, and feeding him. (red flag #3) K came out of the nursery when she saw us. She told us that she was still committed to her decision, but that she was having pressure from family to keep Jake. (red flag #4).

B and I were devastated. We took Jake back to our room and were very quiet. A nurse came in to check on us, and we started talking. Talked about the situation in general, how she thought Jake was doing (we had not seen a pediatrician at this point, and no one would give us medical info on K or Jake.) (red flag #5)

Nurse told us that she thought Jake seemed ok, but that if she was going to be honest with us, she felt that K was "slow." (red flag #6)

That is when it hit me. I knew what that nagging feeling that I had been having was all about. In the back of my mind, I knew it. I could tell from the second I first walked through her hospital room door.

We were crushed.

B and I left the hospital devastated. I was actually in hysterics, throwing up, and curled into the fetal position. B was silent, and had no idea what to do with me.

We woke up the next morning and called T. We told her about EVERYTHING that went down, and that we just couldn't commit ourselves to this. We felt deceived, led on, and betrayed. There was no way that we could go through with it.

Making an adoption plan, has to be the most difficult decision for a birthmother. There is so much thought, love, responsibility, and maturity that plays a part of it. Since K was "slow", how could we be sure that she was able to make this decision on her own? Was she being forced into it? Did she fully understand what she was doing? Would we be taking advantage of her if we went through with it?

T was understandably upset and confused. After all - this was her business, and we had just cost her money. But T never met K - we did, and we had to make the right decision for our family. We knew what a successful and loving adoption felt like, and this wasn't it.

In the state of PA, a birthmother has 30 days to change her mind about her adoption plan. This means that we could have taken Jake home with us, and 3 weeks later, K could have came back and got him. I refused to put my family through that. I refused to put Jake through that.

B and I left that small coal mining town and went home to lick our wounds. Adoption, at that point, would never be an option for us again. Ever.

I kept in contact with T because I wanted to see what happened with K and Jake.

Turns out that K had chosen another family from T. They drove 6 hours to the hospital, spent 2 nights with their new little boy, only to have K decide to keep him.

Guess our feeling was dead on.

K left the hospital with not so much as a diaper for him.

I think about that little boy all of the time.

I do not fault K for any of this. I don't think she set out to hurt anyone when making these decisions. I just don't think she had the capability to fully understand what she was doing. I wish with all of my heart that she is ok in this world..............