Trying times....

F and I spoke a few times a week during this time. Whenever she had a doctors appointment, she would call to update me.

I filled her in on what was going on with us, and made sure that the Ice Queen was staying on top of things.

It felt very much like a friendship, but I have to say, a very depressing one. I don't mean that in a negative way at all. I had grown to REALLY love F, and I genuinely cared about her. However, she had no one - at all. No friends, family, co-workers, nada.

All of the emotions that she was going through, (which were many) she shared with me. I was glad, because I wanted to help her through any way that I could, but it also made me feel guilty. This was starting to become a happy time in my life, yet it was the worst time of hers. It was a very hard balancing act to follow. How could I be happy, when she was so sad? We discussed her decision at length, because I in no way wanted her to feel pressured. F assured me that although it was difficult, she knew she was doing the right thing.

I respect the hell out of that woman, and her strength still amazes me to this day......

Countdown...

So the countdown was on! We had 4 weeks until F was due, and each day felt like an eternity.

But we had alot to do. This was going to be a private, domestic adoption, with no agency involved. We had to find a local attorney to handle the hospital birthplan, termination of parental rights, and eventually, the adoption finalization.

We needed to get the basic necessities (my jaded, bitter self refused to believe that this was really real, so there was no way that I was going to buy loads of baby stuff to have sitting around my house.) We ended up getting a car seat, and 1 outfit - 2 things we needed if baby girl was actually going to be ours.

We found an attorney, who I will call the Ice Queen (this is actually me being nice, just in case there are those who are easily offended). Ice Queen's first offending remark:

"Are you sure you want to do this, you are so young and there are so many advances in medical technology now? "

Gee - really? I'm so glad you told me about this, maybe I should reconsider. I will definitely make an appointment to see my doctor, and maybe - just maybe - with another 20k, we will be successful.

Offending comment #2 "Well, you are so pretty, so I am sure you will find a baby quickly. That is really what birthmothers look for. "

Because if I looked like a sea hag, I would suck as a mom? Um, thanks. It never ceases to amaze me how stupid people really are.

Ice Queen was hired because we were under the gun, didn't have many options, and needed to get a plan in action. Needless to say, she would prove to be a real PITA.

So I introduced F to the Ice Queen so that they could get information together for the hospital social worker. F needed to be advised of all of her rights, and I wanted to make sure that everyone was on the same page.


The queen also had also set up a meeting for us that we never expected to have.

BZ, the birthdad, wanted to meet us.

Up to this point, he knew about the adoption plan, was supportive of it, but F said that he didn't want to be involved - so we were surprised that he wanted to meet.

The queen set up a meeting with us and BZ, at another mall closer to our home. B and I spotted him right away, and we introduced ourselves. We sat and talked and he told us about himself. He was 37, had a 15 year old daughter, and drove a truck for a living. BZ told us that he wanted things to work out between him and F, but that it wasn't an option. He knew that he couldn't provide for the baby, but he just wanted to meet us to make sure he was doing the right thing. I thought it was very admirable of him. Though we only briefly spoke, BZ seemed like a really good guy who genuinely had the best interest of baby girl in mind. I was really glad we got to meet him.

We still hadn't told anyone about F, and weren't planning on it. We borrowed a crib and changing table that 3 of my nieces had used, and waited some more.

Thankfully summer vacation was just around the corner!

The real meeting........

So B and I went to meet F at the mall on a Monday afternoon. We were understandably MORE nervous, considering all that just went down. However, I felt a huge sigh of relief when we pulled into the parking lot and I spotted her truck. (there was a very interesting decal on the back windshield, so I will just leave it up to your imagination.......)

When we walked in, F was sitting at the first table, next to the door. My first thoughts? She was beautiful, stunning actually. She was taller than me, had gorgeous, wavy, auburn hair, crystal blue eyes, and lips that would give Angelina a run for her money. She had an enormous belly, but was so "tiny" for a pregnant woman. I hugged her as soon as I saw her - it just felt natural.

F had also brought her 3 children with her....S was 17, J was 11, and M was 8. They were all adorable. F sent them to another table to do their homework so that we could talk. B and I had a "profile" with us, because since we did not find her through our facilitator, we wanted her to have something of us to keep.

Want to know what she brought to the meeting that day?????

An ultrasound picture..................The baby was a girl!

To say we were ecstatic would be an understatement. I mean, obviously we would have been happy either way, I'm pretty sure we would have been happy with a monkey at that point.

The meeting went really well. We talked ALOT. Some things I will not repeat, as I respect F more than anything. But the one thing that I took away from that meeting that has stuck with me.........I couldn't get over how much love her children showed her. I'm a teacher, I see kids every.single.day. The love that was pouring out of all of them was something that you don't see everyday. It made me realize what a wonderful mother she was, not only to S, J, and M, but also to this little girl who was soon to be ours...........

It gets even crazier.........

Ok - so if you are with me so far, I will continue with the story.................

So I had agreed to meet F at the mall for lunch so that we could get to know each other a bit, to see if we really connected, so on and so forth. At this point, NO ONE knows anything about our situation, except for our immediate family. You see, once upon a time, when B and I believed that "everyone gets pregnant with at least twins when they do IVF", we were stupid enough to announce that we were pregnant. Big no-no, and something that I seriously urge others not to do. As if the miscarriage wasn't bad enough, you then have to re-live it every time you tell a person that you are no longer expecting. It.was.pure.HELL. So while all of our extended family and friends knew we were signed on to adopt, they had no idea that F even existed.

I took the day off work so that I could have a clear mind and be relaxed when I first met F, after all, this was about to be the most important meeting of my life. What if she didn't like me, what if she changed her mind? What if she was a mass-murderer and I was about to go meet her alone with no one to help me?? (seriously - we live in a crazy world and these are things to consider).

Well not to fear, my "big brother" (and I use the term loosely) was also sitting in the food court that day, just so that he could keep an eye on me. He sat and read the paper while I sat and tried not to throw up. We texted back and forth as I was waiting for F to show up.

I had stopped to get her a bouquet of flowers on my way to the mall. I figured I couldn't miss a woman who was 8 months pregnant, sitting alone, and she couldn't miss the girl who sat looking as if she were to pass out at any second, who was also alone. So I waited. I walked around the food court looking for F, and I waited some more. I texted my brother,walked around some more, then waited. More texting, more waiting. F was now 1.5 hours late. I called her several times, only to get the machine.

She wasn't coming.

I got up from the table, left the flowers where they were, and walked out of the food court. My brother looked as if he had just been stabbed in the heart. He had no idea what to do or say to me - who would? He threw his arms around me and told me how sorry he was. Me - I expected it. Remember - I had long before become jaded and bitter. This was just another way for the fertility gods to torture me.

I climbed into my SUV (you know the one I had gotten a few years earlier because it would be roomy enough to fit a few kiddies - hahahahaha) and cried. Not the screaming my lungs out, sobbing until your shirt is soaked, cried - just big old tears that ran silently down my face. Why me? Why again? I can't even tell you how many times I had asked myself those questions.

I decided to call F one last time. Strangely enough, I just needed to know that SHE was ok. Did she have an accident on her way to meet me? Was she alone at home and in labor? Did something awful happen? I called and again got the machine. I left F a message just telling her that it was ok if she changed her mind, but to please call me to let me know that she was ok. The big, fat tears continued to roll as I pulled into Wendy's to drown my sorrows and clog my arteries.

She called back.

Turns out that F was sitting in the food court the entire time, yet we didn't see each other. The whole time she thought that B and I had changed our minds, as she sat and waited for me to show up. She had my cell number, but left it at home. I only had her home number, and that is why I couldn't reach her.

Do you feel like this is a Lifetime movie??

After another long talk, we agreed to meet again. This time, I told her that B was coming with me, we made sure we had each other's cell numbers, gave detailed descriptions of what we looked like, and she even told me what kind of car she drove.

I had to wait a full 5 days for our next meeting.............

Shocked....

I didn't mention it before, but I am a second grade teacher. Love my job - especially love my summer break! I really like the people I teach with, and we have all taught together for quite some time. If you have ever wondered about what happens in the teachers' lounge, I'm going to tell you - you really don't want to know. Some of the conversations are enough to make a grown man blush, but they are usually the highlight of my day.

So that is where I was when I got "the call". I was just about to go back into my classroom when my cell rang, and it was F (Ann's patient). Needless to say I was shocked, stunned, scared, sweaty, and every other "s" adjective you can think of. I had no idea what to do, say, think - because I never in a million years thought that I would be getting a call (or if I did, T - our facilitator- would be preparing me for it).

I was a bumbling idiot to say the least. I ducked into the first grade classroom (because it is the only room the gets cell reception) and basically kicked the teacher and her students out (thankfully she is a good friend of mine and knew it had to be something big).

I told F that I was glad she called, that I was sorry to sound like a flake, but that I was really nervous to speak with her. She admitted that she was nervous too, which made me feel a little better. F told me about herself - she was 39, single, was raising 3 kids on her own, and that she was in a relationship with the birthdad for 6 months, but then they had split up. She told me that while she wished she did not have to place the baby for adoption, she knew it was the right thing to do, because she could not provide enough for herself and the kids, let alone a baby. (F was also familiar with adoption, as she had placed a baby boy 16 years earlier).

I told her about myself and B and what our life was like. We talked about my infertility and how Ann had told her how much we wanted a baby. We spoke for a good 45 minutes and agreed to meet the following week at the mall for lunch. F asked me to come alone, as she was not ready to meet B just yet, as she is a pretty private person. I agreed and hung up the phone shaking like a leaf.

That phone call came on the due date of the baby we lost in our first miscarriage.

When I called B, he didn't believe me. Over the weekend we couldn't even talk about it, because we were afraid that we would jinx something. That was Mother's Day weekend of 2007.

Do you have the chills yet?

So this is where it gets really crazy.....

Life - I was getting back into the swing of things. We had our summer planned out, I was getting back into shape after gaining a bazillion pounds from IVF cycling, I was actually laughing again... you get my drift.

So I recovered from the hives incident at BRU, and even survived when the very cheerful, spunky, overly-helpful sales girl asked when I was due, considering I was looking at the baby registry papers. HUH? didn't I just say that I was getting back INTO shape?? Thankfully mom was with me to explain while I wasn't expecting a baby in the average way, I was expecting just the same - we just didn't know when.

This happened on a random Tuesday in May of 2007.

The next day I was pulling out of the tanning salon parking lot (remember - I was on a mission to look hot again, and was not thinking of the skin cancer that I was probably infecting myself with at the time) and my cell phone rings. It was my MIL (mother-in-law) - now stop rolling your eyes - I actually like my MIL, seriously, I do. Usually she is calling to ask if we want to come for dinner, as B is the biggest mama's boy on the planet and we live a block away from his parents. But dinner was not on her mind.

Now you are really going to have to pay attention to this part - there will be a quiz later............

MIL has a good friend, *Rose. Rose's daughter, *Ann, is a nurse in an OBGYN's office. Ann called Rose for MIL's phone number. She had a patient who was 35 weeks pregnant and who wanted to place her baby for adoption. Ann knew we were in the process, and wanted to see if we were interested. WERE WE INTERESTED???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???????

MIL called to see if it was ok to give Ann our number to give to her patient. My response - "sure, but don't get excited, these things never work out." Seriously - we have all heard about the disgusting and disturbing stories of people who are scammed out of money, and have their hearts broken when pursuing adoption. I was far too jaded at this point to think that life was all about sunshine and puppy dogs.

I didn't give the call a second thought.

**names changed

Ready, Set, Wait.......................

Waiting, waiting, and more waiting. That was all there was to do. B and I had all of our ducks in a row, were approved by the social worker, shelled out every penny to anyone who had their hand out, so we waited.

But life was finally looking up, for the first time in a long time. Any couple who goes through infertility can attest to how stressful it is, and what a toll it takes on your marriage. I was hopped up on so many hormones, I could barely stand myself, so I can't even imagine how B felt. But then again, our struggle also brought us closer. When we lost the first baby, B is the only one I would speak to for close to 3 weeks. I didn't take calls from my mom, best friend - hell, the only time I got out of bed was when I had to drag myself to work. It was a very dark time in my life, and I had definitely lost myself in it all.

We decided to really focus on our adoption journey and stay as positive as possible. We knew that we would probably be waiting for at least 2 years, so we were looking forward to our summer down the shore, spending more time with friends, and just enjoying time together. We even had the guest room painted for our "soon to be baby"and I made my first trip into Babies R Us in close to 3 years to see what kind of things baby would need ! (I think I may have broken out in hives when I walked through the door though.) Life finally seemed like living again..........