It gets even crazier.........

Ok - so if you are with me so far, I will continue with the story.................

So I had agreed to meet F at the mall for lunch so that we could get to know each other a bit, to see if we really connected, so on and so forth. At this point, NO ONE knows anything about our situation, except for our immediate family. You see, once upon a time, when B and I believed that "everyone gets pregnant with at least twins when they do IVF", we were stupid enough to announce that we were pregnant. Big no-no, and something that I seriously urge others not to do. As if the miscarriage wasn't bad enough, you then have to re-live it every time you tell a person that you are no longer expecting. It.was.pure.HELL. So while all of our extended family and friends knew we were signed on to adopt, they had no idea that F even existed.

I took the day off work so that I could have a clear mind and be relaxed when I first met F, after all, this was about to be the most important meeting of my life. What if she didn't like me, what if she changed her mind? What if she was a mass-murderer and I was about to go meet her alone with no one to help me?? (seriously - we live in a crazy world and these are things to consider).

Well not to fear, my "big brother" (and I use the term loosely) was also sitting in the food court that day, just so that he could keep an eye on me. He sat and read the paper while I sat and tried not to throw up. We texted back and forth as I was waiting for F to show up.

I had stopped to get her a bouquet of flowers on my way to the mall. I figured I couldn't miss a woman who was 8 months pregnant, sitting alone, and she couldn't miss the girl who sat looking as if she were to pass out at any second, who was also alone. So I waited. I walked around the food court looking for F, and I waited some more. I texted my brother,walked around some more, then waited. More texting, more waiting. F was now 1.5 hours late. I called her several times, only to get the machine.

She wasn't coming.

I got up from the table, left the flowers where they were, and walked out of the food court. My brother looked as if he had just been stabbed in the heart. He had no idea what to do or say to me - who would? He threw his arms around me and told me how sorry he was. Me - I expected it. Remember - I had long before become jaded and bitter. This was just another way for the fertility gods to torture me.

I climbed into my SUV (you know the one I had gotten a few years earlier because it would be roomy enough to fit a few kiddies - hahahahaha) and cried. Not the screaming my lungs out, sobbing until your shirt is soaked, cried - just big old tears that ran silently down my face. Why me? Why again? I can't even tell you how many times I had asked myself those questions.

I decided to call F one last time. Strangely enough, I just needed to know that SHE was ok. Did she have an accident on her way to meet me? Was she alone at home and in labor? Did something awful happen? I called and again got the machine. I left F a message just telling her that it was ok if she changed her mind, but to please call me to let me know that she was ok. The big, fat tears continued to roll as I pulled into Wendy's to drown my sorrows and clog my arteries.

She called back.

Turns out that F was sitting in the food court the entire time, yet we didn't see each other. The whole time she thought that B and I had changed our minds, as she sat and waited for me to show up. She had my cell number, but left it at home. I only had her home number, and that is why I couldn't reach her.

Do you feel like this is a Lifetime movie??

After another long talk, we agreed to meet again. This time, I told her that B was coming with me, we made sure we had each other's cell numbers, gave detailed descriptions of what we looked like, and she even told me what kind of car she drove.

I had to wait a full 5 days for our next meeting.............

How it all works...

The week after our first miscarriage, I started to research adoption. I knew in the back of my mind that IVF was not the answer for us, and I am also a pessimist at heart. I had no clue where to start, who to talk to, which questions to ask, etc. I was 28 and clueless, and the internet became my best friend. I found out that we had a couple of choices when it came to using adoption professionals. I found someone who I really clicked with, and who really helped me through the next several months (we were still pursuing treatment at the time).

When B came home with the glorious news that he was on board the adoption train, I already knew who I was going to call - T. T is a facilitator who has been handling adoptions for over 15 years. She rocks. She held my hand, walked me through every step, explained everything to B (as I am not exactly the most patient person when it comes to him ;) and really made us feel comfortable. As soon as we started the process, it was like a huge weight was lifted - sounds corny, but we actually felt like we had our lives back.

For those of you who are not familiar with how adoption works, it's kinda like this......

1. Be prepared to rob a bank, beg your family members to cash in their retirement plans, or remortgage your house out the wazoo. You have probably spent whatever savings you had on fertility treatments, so there's not going to be a dime left in the bank.
2. You will then have to hand over that huge chunk of cash to the adoption professional you have chosen, praying with all of your heart that they are not a scam and are really going to find you the baby that you so desperately want. To say adoption is a huge leap of faith is an understatement.
3. Paperwork - and lots of it.
4. You will need to have a licensed social worker come into your house to perform a "homestudy" and to ask you every personal question under the sun - including what color underwear you are currently wearing, which you will then need to find the receipt for. This will cost you another chunk of change, so be prepared to sell an organ to come up with it.
5. More paperwork, and while you are at it, just attach a couple hundred dollar bills to each page.
6. Preparing your family "profile". This is a book that you put together which is about you, your family, interests, home, etc. It will then be shown to potential birthmothers who want to place their babies for adoption. The profile is alot of work, but alot of fun too. Oh yea, fun - but pricey.
7. Wait for the phone to ring. Which is actually the hardest part. Can you imagine being on pins and needles every second of the day waiting for the 1 phone call that will change your life forever? I need a xanax just thinking about it.

So I guess I will start from the beginning....

I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I met my husband, B, when I was 22, and knew very early on that I wanted to marry him and have children! We met down the shore on a random Friday night in 2000 (I won't even get into the story of how we were set up) and really haven't been apart since.

We were married in 2004 and started trying for a baby right away - well, at least I did. B said he wanted to wait a year, but I digress. A year came and went - and nothing. I saw my doctor for another year (who actually turned out to be a moron - but that is another long story that I won't get into) and still nothing. I took matters into my own hands and went to see a specialist (a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or RE for short). B and I went through numerous procedures, surgeries, LOTS of drugs (all legal of course!) and finally moved onto IVF **(invitro-fertilization, for those of you who have been in a closet and haven't heard the term a million times because of the crazy octo-mom). Another year, much heartache, a cool 20k, and 2 miscarriages later, we still had nothing. nada. zero. zilch.

Needless to say, I was devasted, beyond depressed, and not very pleasant to be around. I brought up the idea of adoption to B, and he said he wanted time to think. We had just been through 3 years of hell, so I guess I couldn't blame the guy for wanting a break from anything baby related.

For the next month, I did not mention the "a" or "b" word at all (for anyone who knows me, you are probably wondering how the hell I managed that one, right?). It was tough, reaaaaaally tough.

I was standing in the kitchen one day when B came home from work. He comes in and says, "I think I want to adopt."

UM, 'SCUSE ME???????? That is all I needed to hear, so the journey began................

**edited to add