Taking off.......

Ok, so we were excited - finally easing our way out of the denial phase, but veeeerrrrrryyyy nervous. One of the worst parts of this was that we were going to have to leave Lilli - and we didn't know for how long.

J had a due date of November 24th. We decided it was best if I flew out there first - on the actual due date - and that B would follow when we knew more. (J really wanted to be induced, but her dr. was not giving her a straight answer.) I didn't want to miss the birth, but we didn't want to leave Lilli without either of us for longer than needed either.

Now - I am totally not the "travel by myself and enjoy it" type of person. I was petrified. My mom flew from PA to CA with me on the 24th, got me settled into my hotel (where. I had. to. stay. by. myself.), and then got right back on a red-eye to get to work in the morning. Yeah - she rocks.

So there I was, in CA, alone, and scared shitless. J had a dr.'s appointment on the 25th, and he told her that he would induce her that following Saturday, the 29th. I was so upset. Here I was, in CA - almost a full week earlier than I needed to be. I was away from my little girl, spending money on a hotel that I didn't need. I was so mad at myself, and so lonely. I cried - alot.

The next afternoon, I was working on birth announcements on my computer, when my phone rang. It was J. It was about 4:40 and she told me that she didn't feel right. Her boyfriend (not the baby's birthdad) was going to drive her to the hospital, but she really didn't think anything would come of it. She said she would call back when she knew something.

I wasn't taking any chances.............I took a shuttle to rent a car, got a GPS, and made my way to the hospital (which was almost an hour away). J called and told me they were admitting her, and I said, "great, because I am already on my way!"

I got to the hospital around 6:30 pm on November 26th.

My son was born at 7:16 pm.......................

Getting our butts in gear....

So I guess I should have come out of my state of denial, right?? I mean, we were a month vested into this situation, and even if it meant putting our hearts on the line - we needed to get moving.

We were familiar with how adoption worked, because of Lilli. However, we had never done an out-of-state adoption before - and believe me - it is a whole different can of worms!

Where do we finalize? Who do we call? How many lawyers will we need? What are the state laws? It is alot to take in.

After much research, many phone calls, much uncertainty, way more money than we had budgeted for, and many sleepless nights - we finally got the logistics straightened out. We hired an attorney in CA, where we would be finalizing. We hired a social worker for J, to advise her of all of her rights, etc, and we hired another attorney in PA to accept our ICPC documents. It was alot of work, in a short period of time.

Now we needed to make travel arrangements, and arrangements for Lilli.. This was the tough part, because we still hadn't told our family about J. And considering B and I were going to be 3,000 miles away for a few weeks............now was the time.

Obviously they were thrilled - in shock, but thrilled. My brother was kind enough to give us his Marriott points for a week, and my mom works for the airlines, so we were able to get a discount there too. My parents and the inlaws were going to take turns with Lilli, so things were coming together.

Our parents were under strict instructions that they were not to tell a soul about this - no one. We explained to them while it was hard for them when things didn't work out, it was hardest on us, as we had to re-live it everyday. We had been through so much by this point, that we didn't want to have to explain all of the gory details to everyone in sight - it was really best if we kept it to ourselves.

J's pregnancy continued to go well, and baby boy was doing great too. J had a due date that was right before Thanksgiving - and she asked us to be in the delivery room with her!!!! We were beyond excited about that, as we didn't have that opportunity when Lilli was born.

J and I also discussed names. We told her that while we did name Lilli, we kept the middle name that F had given her. We asked J to give baby boy his middle name too, and she was thrilled to do so.

Things were really going well, and yet, I was still in denial!

The call.........

I was driving out of the parking lot of school on Monday, and noticed I had a voicemail on my cell. When I checked it, it was T telling me that J had chosen us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She said that we were officially "matched" and that we should start making plans.

Exciting, right? Well, for someone who has not had their hearts broken a million times before - then very exciting. For true vets like B and I, we were still convinced that someone was just around the corner, waiting to steal it all away. There was no way that this was going to go smoothly, we were not this lucky. No one has successfully adopted 2 healthy infants in 17 months time. This was a dream, scam, catastrophe waiting to happen.......................the plans would just have to wait.

I continued to speak to J through weekly phone calls and emails. She told us the reason she chose B and I was because we were so close with our families. (All of our family lives nearby, and we have daily contact with them.) Talking with J was like talking to an old friend who I hadn't seen in awhile. She was the most positive, upbeat person that I had ever met. Although, Lilli's birthmom and I got along, the relationship with J was developing differently. It's not that J wasn't having a hard time with the decision, but she focused more on the positive - that she was giving someone the greatest gift of all.

The conversations continued to go well, but I still had my guard up. We still had not told anyone, because we didn't really believe it was happening.

A very long weekend..........

Needless to say, B was a bit in shock. I believe he said "what???" about 4 times. I told him to walk outside so that we could talk.

I told him that T had just called me to tell me about a birthmom in CA that wanted to speak with us. (We didn't even know that we were being profiled at the time, so the phone call was a huge shock to us). T told me that the birthmom was 39, had 4 other children, was not with the birthdad, and was due to deliver a baby boy in 2 months. She gave me birthmom's phone number and told me to call her if we were interested.

I asked B if he wanted me to call, if he thought that this was an ideal situation for us, and what he wanted me to do. His answer, "sure - give her a call." (He is the calm one of the 2 of us!)

So I put Lilli to bed, and made the phone call.................

J (birthmom) answered and I explained who I was. She was surprised that I had called so quickly, as she had just left T's office a few hours before. (great sign #1 - T and J had met, and T was able to get a good "read" on her.)

We spoke for about 45 minutes. It was a very easy conversation. J was very "real", told me about herself, her kids, her childhood, etc. There really weren't very many awkward pauses, and it seemed like we were quite comfortable with each other. At the end of the conversation, I asked J if she was speaking to any other families. She told me that she was, but that she was going to sit down with her kids and make a final decision. That was kind of a let down, because I thought we were the only ones, but I was glad she was honest with me. (good sign #2 - I love an honest person.)

B came home and I filled him in. We were excited, but cautiously optimistic. We knew that things could turn at any second, and that we weren't the only family that J was considering.

There was not much more we could do, other than wait. We did not tell a soul - not even our parents. There was no use getting their hopes up for something that was probably not going to happen........

Friday night surprise..............

So life went on, and we were loving it. We were the happiest we had ever been, and really didn't want to change anything about it.

B and I had many conversations about which direction we wanted to go in regards to our family. On one hand, we were so content with having Lilli and really thought that she would be an only child. Then on the other, we wanted her to have a sibling to grow up with. We were in a state of limbo, but actually didn't mind it.

We had a blast down the shore all summer. Lilli has her first birthday with all of her family around, we spent everyday at the beach, and we were just so happy being a family.

And then I got the "itch", as in the "baby itch". I sat down with B and asked him what he wanted to do (because I honestly was still confused!)

B said that he really wanted another, especially for Lilli.

We called T in August and asked to be put back on the list. I made up a new family profile that was a beach theme - and it was pretty damn good, if I do say so myself! B and I had a long talk with T about what we wanted this time around. We really felt that it was important to have a relationship with a birthmom that was longer than a few days. We wanted to get to know her, and wanted her to get to know us. We wanted to know about the birthdad too - it didn't neccessarily have to be a relationship, but we at least wanted to know his name, background, etc. T told us that since we were being so particular, that we should expect to have a longer wait period. We accepted that and told her that we had to do what was right for us. We were prepared to wait a few years, as long as it meant that we would be matched with a baby who was truly meant to be ours.

I sent the profile off to T and didn't think much of it. I was busy getting ready to go back to school, as my summer break was coming to an end...............

On Friay September 19, 2008 I was home with Lilli having pizza. My phone rang, and on the other line was T. We spoke for a few minutes, she asked me a few questions, I asked her a few, and then I hung up.

I called B (who was at happy hour with the boys) and asked him how he felt about having a son in 2 months.................................

From bad to good..........

It took along time to recover from our failed match. Even though we knew it happened for the best, it was still one of the hardest things B and I had ever gone through. But admittedly, it would have been much harder had we not had Lilli to come home to.

We tried to focus on the positive - Lilli.

We also called T and told her that we no longer wanted our names on the list. We weren't saying forever, but couldn't tell her how long we needed either. We had given T alot of money - money that could not be refunded, but our hearts needed time to heal, and we didn't even know if they would.

In the meantime, we still had Lilli's adoption to finalize. She was also born in PA, so we did have to deal with the 30 day revocation period - but that had long been over.

The Ice Queen was busy doing her end of the deal, and continued to be a PITA - which meant charging me whatever she felt on any given day, for any little thing.

By the time we were ready to go to court to make Lilli officially ours, she was almost 10 months old. Sitting in the judge's chambers, hearing him change her name (F had named her Savannah on her birth certificate), and having him say that she was legally ours- was the best feeling in the world. Not that she didn't already feel, act, and look like she was ours - it's was just nice to hear. And it was comforting to know that nothing was hanging over our heads.

However, the moment didn't last long, as I will share another offending moment with the Ice Queen:


There was a local case that was being heard in the courthouse the same day of our finalization. It was about a college girl who had given birth, but then hid the body of her newborn son in the trunk of her car - you know one of the many stories as of late.

Ice Queen actually had the balls to turn to me and say........."Doesn't it make you sick to hear stories like that knowing that you can't even have your own children."

Good thing court houses have metal detectors........

And baby doesn't make 4...........

So Lilli was 6 months old when we had this bright idea. You see, when she was born, we called T, our adoption facilitator, and asked her to take our names off the list for awhile. We wanted to focus all of our attention on Lilli, and didn't want to risk the chance of having 2 infants, that we weren't prepared for.

Well we enjoyed being parents so much, saw what joy Lilli brought to us and the entire family, and were just so happy............so we called T. It was right after Christmas in 2007.

We told T that we wanted to be put back on the list, and expected to wait even longer this time around. Our thinking was that a birthmom would want a family who did not have any other children, especially one that was as young as Lilli.

T called 3 days later to tell us that a birthmom (in PA) had chosen us.

Um, 'scuse me?

B immediately made a martini and retreated to the living room. I was trying not to throw up from excitement,surprise, shock, and fear.

T gave us her number and I called. Now, I know what to expect from this type of call, right? I mean I had just done this 7 months before - how hard could it be?

The conversation was stale, non-emotional, and was like talking to one of my students. The birthmom, K was 21, had no clue who the father was, unemployed, living with her mom, and 38 weeks along - as in due in 2 weeks. Yeah. I chalked all of this up to her being young and detached from the situation. (red flag #1) K had a doctors appointment in 3 days, so we decided that we would talk after that.

Outback for dinner anyone? That is exactly what was on my mind the night after speaking to K. I was listening to my IPOD in the curbside takeout line when B called my cell.

K was in labor.

As in right now, her water just broke, kind of labor.

Huh?

K was about a 3 hour drive from where we lived, I had a 6 month old to make arrangements for, nothing packed - not so much as a onezie, and my house looked like a tornado had just ripped through it. And Outback to eat. We also had no lawyer or social worker to contact, as that was on my to do list for Monday (K called and went into labor over a weekend).

MANIAC - that description would have best fit me at this point. But somehow, we pulled it together and were on our way. (The super grand-parents were all together figuring out the Lilli logistics.)

We arrived in a very small coal mining town in PA at around 10 pm. We had spoken with K and her mom on the way and they let us know where to go.

When we walked into the hospital, the staff had no idea who we were, why we were there, or that an adoption plan had been made. WTF? (red flag #2). Apparently K had forgotten to tell the doctors of her plan.

The nurses went back to speak with K, and then we were able to meet her for the first time.

I will never be able to explain it, but the second I set eyes on her, a feeling came over me that I never want to feel again.

K had just given birth.........and it was a boy.

We weren't allowed to see or hold baby boy because there was nothing in place, legally - even though K wanted us to be able to bond with him.

I called T to tell her about the situation, and she faxed our homestudy over to them, to prove that we weren't some crazy baby-nappers or something. They finally agreed to let us see him. He was adorable - what we could see of him through the nursery window anyway. It was such a different situation than what we experienced with Lilli, and I was so sad to not have the same bonding time that I did with her.

We went back into talk with K after seeing baby boy, and again the feeling was there. We talked a bit, she assured us that she was certain about her decision, that she didn't want to hold or see him, and that he was ours.

We left for our hotel exhausted, excited, and secretly confused.

The next morning (well actually a few hours later) we were back at the hospital. We were able to see baby boy, and even got to bond with him in our own room! K wanted us to name him on the birth certificate, so we did. Jake Paul was the perfect name.

We went into visit K, and to also give her a gift basket I had put together. Something just didn't seem right, and I couldn't figure out what it was.

B and I left the hospital to get some lunch. We were both unusually quiet, and at almost the same time we blurted out "does this seem right to you?" We had both been having the same feelings, but never said anything to each other about it. We decided it had to be exhaustion and that everything happened too quickly to be totally prepared for it.

We went back to the hospital to get Jake from the nursery to bring back to our room. But the nurses weren't their normal, helpful, selves..........they asked B and I to wait in the waiting room.

Turns out that K and her family were in the nursery taking pictures of Jake, holding, and feeding him. (red flag #3) K came out of the nursery when she saw us. She told us that she was still committed to her decision, but that she was having pressure from family to keep Jake. (red flag #4).

B and I were devastated. We took Jake back to our room and were very quiet. A nurse came in to check on us, and we started talking. Talked about the situation in general, how she thought Jake was doing (we had not seen a pediatrician at this point, and no one would give us medical info on K or Jake.) (red flag #5)

Nurse told us that she thought Jake seemed ok, but that if she was going to be honest with us, she felt that K was "slow." (red flag #6)

That is when it hit me. I knew what that nagging feeling that I had been having was all about. In the back of my mind, I knew it. I could tell from the second I first walked through her hospital room door.

We were crushed.

B and I left the hospital devastated. I was actually in hysterics, throwing up, and curled into the fetal position. B was silent, and had no idea what to do with me.

We woke up the next morning and called T. We told her about EVERYTHING that went down, and that we just couldn't commit ourselves to this. We felt deceived, led on, and betrayed. There was no way that we could go through with it.

Making an adoption plan, has to be the most difficult decision for a birthmother. There is so much thought, love, responsibility, and maturity that plays a part of it. Since K was "slow", how could we be sure that she was able to make this decision on her own? Was she being forced into it? Did she fully understand what she was doing? Would we be taking advantage of her if we went through with it?

T was understandably upset and confused. After all - this was her business, and we had just cost her money. But T never met K - we did, and we had to make the right decision for our family. We knew what a successful and loving adoption felt like, and this wasn't it.

In the state of PA, a birthmother has 30 days to change her mind about her adoption plan. This means that we could have taken Jake home with us, and 3 weeks later, K could have came back and got him. I refused to put my family through that. I refused to put Jake through that.

B and I left that small coal mining town and went home to lick our wounds. Adoption, at that point, would never be an option for us again. Ever.

I kept in contact with T because I wanted to see what happened with K and Jake.

Turns out that K had chosen another family from T. They drove 6 hours to the hospital, spent 2 nights with their new little boy, only to have K decide to keep him.

Guess our feeling was dead on.

K left the hospital with not so much as a diaper for him.

I think about that little boy all of the time.

I do not fault K for any of this. I don't think she set out to hurt anyone when making these decisions. I just don't think she had the capability to fully understand what she was doing. I wish with all of my heart that she is ok in this world..............